Bitter Sweet.

With Mother's Day tomorrow. I always feel torn. Half of me is happy to be able to share this day with my mom and my daughter. With my husband and my sweet babies. The other half of me wishes I could share this day with my son. After all. I am his mother and I feel cheated.

The day I gave birth to my son Jeremy, I vowed to love and protect him. I never thought in my wildest dreams that a day would come and evil would strike him. cancer is an evil and heartless illness. Still, I never thought that it would take my sweet boy away.

I am blessed that I have hope and faith. I know that we will be a family of four again and that is what keeps me going. I know, without a doubt, that I will see him again. Then, I will spend every Mother's Day with him.

Now, while my work is not done here, I will love and cherish my Mom and my Daughter who are two of the most amazing mom's I know.

My mom is a pillar and has more love to give then any woman I know. She stood by me for those eleven months. She has taught me strength, love and how to be the best mom I could possibly be. I take pride in that role.

My daughter, well, I can't even describe the love I have for her. She is a mommy to three of the most beautiful babies. Jeremy, who is 6, Berkley, who is 4 and Finley, who is 19 months. They seriously keep me going. I love them with every part of my being. They make us laugh, smile and enjoy the little things in life. I thank my daughter everyday for bringing them into the world. Of course, I thank my son in law too. :)

So, even though I hurt on this day because I miss my son. This day will never be the same for me. I will always wish for him to be with me and to celebrate this day with me. I know that someday I will. For now. I have to hold on to that hope. And, I always will..

I will also thank God for both of my children. I will also thank him for an amazing mom. I will celebrate them this Mother's Day. We will laugh, we will probably shed some tears. But, we will always be thankful.

No matter how bitter sweet it is.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there.  I hope your day is filled with much laughter and love.


Cathy

Random thoughts and boobies

I can't believe that Halloween is a few days away and November is right around the corner. I love summer. I never want it to end. For some reason though, I am looking forward to fall and winter. Boots, scarves and hoodies.. The fireplace and my favorite time, the Holidays.

I think this year is a little extra special because my mom is still here with us. I hope to take her home in a few short weeks. It has been a long road for her since she broke her hip. That woman is a fiesty, fighter! I love her so much.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween. We are going to have a few very cold days. But, Halloween should be a warm day. I can't wait to see all the little's dressed in their favorite attire and screaming Trick or Treat!!!


I also wanted to mention that Sheaffer over at "Pinterest  Told Me To" is giving away a beautiful pair of ear rings for Breast cancer awareness month. Pop on over to her blog and meet her friend Tracey who is fighting the good fight. She also has some great information on how to "feel your boobies" Important stuff for every woman to know. 

I hope you all have a great Halloween.

Cathy

Take Time To Just Be!

I read this and had to share. The words that this teacher shared are spot on!!!

Written by a Pre-School Teacher – It says it all!
I was on a parenting bulletin board recently and read a post by a mother who was worried that her 4 1/2 year old did not know enough. “What should a 4 year old know?” she asked.
Most of the answers left me not only saddened but pretty soundly annoyed. One mom posted a laundry list of all of the things her son knew. Counting to 100, planets, how to write his first and last name, and on and on. Others chimed in with how much more their children already knew, some who were only three. A few posted URL’s to lists of what each age should know. The fewest yet said that each child develops at his own pace and not to worry.
It bothered me greatly to see these mothers responding to a worried mom by adding to her concern, with lists of all the things their children could do that hers couldn’t. We are such a competitive culture that even our pre-schoolers have become trophies and bragging rights. Childhood shouldn’t be a race.
So here, I offer my list of what a 4 year old should know.
She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time.
He should know that he is safe and he should know how to keep himself safe in public, with others, and in varied situations. He should know that he can trust his instincts about people and that he never has to do something that doesn’t feel right, no matter who is asking. He should know his personal rights and that his family will back them up.
She should know how to laugh, act silly, be goofy and use her imagination. She should know that it is always okay to paint the sky orange and give cats 6 legs.
He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he could care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he’ll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing, dinosaurs or playing in the mud.
She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she’s wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvellous. She should know that it’s just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practice phonics. Scratch that– way more worthy.
But more important, here’s what parents need to know.
That every child learns to walk, talk, read and do algebra at his own pace and that it will have no bearing on how well he walks, talks, reads or does algebra.
That the single biggest predictor of high academic achievement and high ACT scores is reading to children. Not flash cards, not workbooks, not fancy preschools, not blinking toys or computers, but mom or dad taking the time every day or night (or both!) to sit and read them wonderful books.
That being the smartest or most accomplished kid in class has never had any bearing on being the happiest. We are so caught up in trying to give our children “advantages” that we’re giving them lives as multi-tasked and stressful as ours. One of the biggest advantages we can give our children is a simple, carefree childhood.
That our children deserve to be surrounded by books, nature, art supplies and the freedom to explore them. Most of us could get rid of 90% of our children’s toys and they wouldn’t be missed, but some things are important– building toys like lego and blocks, creative toys like all types of art materials (good stuff), musical instruments (real ones and multicultural ones), dress up clothes and books, books, books. (Incidentally, much of this can be picked up quite cheaply at thrift shops.) They need to have the freedom to explore with these things too– to play with scoops of dried beans in the high chair (supervised, of course), to knead bread and make messes, to use paint and play dough and glitter at the kitchen table while we make supper even though it gets everywhere, to have a spot in the yard where it’s absolutely fine to dig up all the grass and make a mud pit.
That our children need more of us. We have become so good at saying that we need to take care of ourselves that some of us have used it as an excuse to have the rest of the world take care of our kids. Yes, we all need undisturbed baths, time with friends, sanity breaks and an occasional life outside of parenthood. But we live in a time when parenting magazines recommend trying to commit to 10 minutes a day with each child and scheduling one Saturday a month as family day. That’s not okay! Our children don’t need Nintendos, computers, after school activities, ballet lessons, play groups and soccer practice nearly as much as they need US. They need fathers who sit and listen to their days, mothers who join in and make crafts with them, parents who take the time to read them stories and act like idiots with them. They need us to take walks with them and not mind the .1 MPH pace of a toddler on a spring night. They deserve to help us make supper even though it takes twice as long and makes it twice as much work. They deserve to know that they’re a priority for us and that we truly love to be with them.


I  found this on Facebook. I do not know who the actual author is.


Have a fun weekend. We are off to Vegas to visit family.  :)

Cathy

The Road Less Traveled

They say sometimes you should choose the road less traveled. It makes you stronger and makes you a better person. I tend to agree. However, I have taken that road a few times in my life and I never veered off of it. I traveled along the rocky road and put my best foot forward. I waited for the prize at the end only to find disappointment. Don't get me wrong I have also chosen the one that is traveled by many. The easy one. I think we all do from time to time. I sometimes feel as though I am entitled. I mean, after  a horrible out come from the one less traveled I feel that taking the easy way is due to me.


I am finding myself on the road less traveled again. My life, for the last four months has been consumed by my waking every morning, taking a shower, getting ready and spending the day at the home with my mom. The mom that use to be independent, dressed to the nines, and ready to go out shopping or to lunch everyday. The mom that lays in a bed now, unable to stand, walk, or even go to the bathroom by herself. The mom, that I think is giving up one day and then giving it her all the next.


I am having a hard time understanding why God would allow her to suffer so much. Allow me to have to watch her suffer everyday. Then, I am quickly reminded of how God sent his only son to die on the cross and suffer like no one ever has. I suddenly start to understand this whole thing called life. At least, I think I understand it. I have come to realize that we really do have to leave it in God's hands. I no longer pray for a healing. Instead, I pray for his will to be done.


Is that the road that is traveled by many. The easy road? I don't think so. I think it is the road less traveled. It is hard to let go and just let God. It is a rocky hard thing to do. I think hoping and praying that my mom will be ok is the easy way. It is easier to keep a positive mind. It is easier to have expectations of happiness again with her. Instead, I have let it all go. I am still there everyday. We still talk. I still hold her hand and take her for walks in her wheelchair. But, I also have come to  terms that this is not going to last for long.  In her case, when I say goodbye, I'll see you tomorrow. I never really know if I will or not. This road is the road less traveled. This is the road I wouldn't trade for the world. I have learned so much from my mom, but never has she been able to teach me what she has taught me in the last four months. She has taught me love in a way I never knew with her, and we are really close. She is also teaching me that no matter what tomorrow brings. That love will always be there. In spirit.


I chose, again, the road less traveled. I would trek down that road a 100 times over if it meant loving and learning what I have from a beautiful woman I call, Mom!

It isn't About The Nail

                                     

                                                  It really isn't about the nail!!

 Erin, over at Living in Yellow posted this video and I had to share it. I was laughing so hard. It  is so true. Not only with our husbands or boyfriends, but with everyday life. Sometimes we complain about things that really bother us and never realize that the problem is right in front of us. In her case, she would have to look in a mirror, but, I think you get the idea!  I am so guilty of this!!

I can't tell you how many times I have sat and complained about something when the answer is so simple and so easy to fix. I think we get caught up in this thing called life and fail to see the great big picture right in front of us.

I showed this to my husband, Marty and he laughed. Then he looked at me and said, "yep, that would be you!!."  I plead guilty!! I do tend to be a drama queen more times then I would like to admit. However, he flies by the seat of his pants and I make a list for everything! They say, opposites attract.

 I hope this video makes you laugh. I watched it twice and the guys expression and what he said had me rolling!

                                                                  Cathy
                                                                      :)

The Wind Beneath My Wings

Well, I thought I would re-cap my birthday week. It started out so good. We left for Vegas on the third of May. One week before my birthday. We took my mom with us. She wanted to stay at my cousins and visit with her sister. Marty and I got a hotel. The ride to Vegas was uneventful, until we were almost there. My mom never told me that she was having really bad pain in her back. She was not going to have anything ruin her trip. We were about 30 minutes from my cousins house and the pain was so sever she could barely sit in the car. I gave her some Tylenol and got a hot pack to put on her back. (Yes, I carry hot packs when we travel. The ones you twist and they get hot. I carry every known drug I might need in my tote. I really don't like paying $5.00 for two Tylenol at a hotel.) She said she felt better, so she stayed at my cousins and Marty and I went to our hotel.

We had such a great time. The man knows how to make the start of my birthday week fun. I called and checked on my mom 20 times in those 3 days. She said she was feeling good and that she was having fun. I should have never believed her!! When we went to pick her up and go home. She could barely walk.

Since my parents use to live in Nevada. I knew where all the hospitals were. I told her I would take her and she refused. Needless to say, the ride home was not to much fun for her.

When we got home she slept and didn't wake up to the next morning. She did pretty well during the day. That night, the pain came back again, only this time, when she stood up, she was covered in blood.

I called 911 and they rushed her to the hospital. They admitted her right away. They never found out why she was bleeding or why she had the back pain. They did however start her on antibiotics and gave her two blood transfusions. Then she went into A-Fib and her 02 levels were very low. They thought she had a blood clot in her lung. They ran tests and found out that everything was clear.

On my Birthday. I spent it at the hospital with my mom. (As I did everyday since she was admitted .) That night Marty took me out to eat. We had a nice dinner. I just couldn't get into it. I was so worried about my mom.

The next day, Saturday, My mom made a complete turn around. The doctors were amazed and so was I. Her team of doctors told me that if she is the same the next day, on Mothers Day she could come home.
Mothers Day came and went. My mom couldn't come home. She had fallen trying to get out of bed. She was very weak and couldn't stand on her own. She sprained her ankle and injured her knee really bad. My mom has been completely  bed ridden. It has been five days. She is not making any progress. Her body is weak and she is confused and mentally unstable. If she can stay in her bed for 24 hours without a sitter, ( the confusion she is having makes that a very hard task for the sitter.) they will transfer her to a rehab facility. There, they will hopefully get her mobile and because she won't be laying in a bed all day, her confusion will subside.

This has been so hard on our family. It has been especially hard on me. My mom lives with us since my dad passed away. We shop together, go to lunch and do so much everyday.

It is hard for me to see her this way. It is harder to not know what our Heavenly Father has planed for her. I wish I could say that the rehab will be a fix all for her, but I can't. I pray everyday that His will be done.

My mom is an active lady. One who still did her hair every morning, put her makeup on and ironed her clothes, ( Who irons???)  She loves to shop, a trait she taught me how to do very well. She is an amazing friend and I miss her so much.

So, my birthday week didn't go the way I though it would. Marty had so many things planed for us to do. I always look forward to what my daughter, friends and Marty plan. We do birthdays big in our family. Especially for the kids. Yet, I wouldn't have spent the last 10 days any other way.

My mom has always been there for me. She was my rock when my son was in the hospital for 11 moths with cancer. She has been the best friend a daughter could ever have.

She has truly always been the wind beneth my wings.
 I love you mom. I pray you can recover from this.
This song is for  you! <3 p="">xoxo

Top Ten

I love music. Any kind of music. I love driving and blaring it in my car. Music to me has so much meaning. There isn't one type of music that I listen to. I love country, rap, R&B, rock and the list goes on.

So, I decided to write down my top ten favorite songs right now. Some are old. Some are new. This was not easy because there are so many that are my favorite. I love Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. They didn't make it on my list but I really do love them.

So, here are my favorite top ten songs...

10,OMG...Usher
9, Pocket Full Of Sunshine...Natasha Bedingfield
8, Brighter Then The Sun...Colbie Callat. (This is mine and Elle's song!)
7, You And Me Against The World...Helen Reedy. (This was mine and my son's song. It still is, even though he is in Heaven.)
6, Diamonds in the sky...Rihanna
5, Summer Nights...Rascal Flats (I love hot summer nights!)
4, Roll On...Kid Rock
3, From where you are...Lighthouse. (I heard this song on Pandora and thought of my son!)
2, Stay...Rihanna
*1, When I was your man...Bruno Mars

I think Usher and Bruno Mars are amazing performers and I love the two songs above. I also like some of Jack Johnson's music, Upside Down. Reminds me of being on the boat at the river.( Sorry Jack, you didn't make the cut!) Music seems to always bring back a memory for me. If I like the song and I  connect it to something. That song then becomes part of that memory.

Roll On by Kid Rock will always remind me of summer 3 years ago. I think I over played that song. Can't help it. I love it!

So, do you love music? Do certain songs bring back memories? Do you drive with the stereo up really loud and sing off key like I do?

What are your favorite songs right now??

I would love to know.

Cathy